just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize