Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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