Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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