I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
