Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize