It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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