I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
