My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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