New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
