there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize