i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
