I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
