If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
