is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
No subtext here. People are naked.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
