You're completely useless in the revolution.
there's paper in my vomit.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
