If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
