What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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