My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
