I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
