Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
