just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
