i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
