the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
