Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize