3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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