woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
