My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
