theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
