So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
