I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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