It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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