Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
