Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
