u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
