Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
