I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
