I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
