wanna go halves on a baby?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
