I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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