Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
