i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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