I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
