im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
