im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I feel like abortions should bother me more
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
