I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
