Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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