So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The ass gains better be worth it
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
