I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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