Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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