True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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