What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
