Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
