If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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