its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
