i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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