I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
