My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
