You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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