marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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