he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize