I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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