I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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