they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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